Top Five(?) Seattle-area Tiki Bars

The Tonga Room in San Fransisco, not Seattle

Tiki bars are about as kitsch as you can get. Something about mixing alcohol with thatch roofs and tiki idols demands a stretching of good taste and relaxing of restraint. The Puget Sound is blessed with an assortment of tiki bars. The damp, cold and darkness, especially during this time of the year, inspire people to shake off the cabin fever and seek out the fun, otherworldly atmosphere that tiki bars universally supply in abundance.
I could make my own list of favorites, but I decided to let the internet-collective do it for me (no excuse but laziness on my part). So, from the good folks at Yelp.com, here are the top-rated tiki bars in the Seattle/Puget Sound region.

1. Lava Lounge. Located in Belltown area of Seattle makes it less likely that I would venture in. However, it was given 4 (out of 5) stars on Yelp. The pictures on the site do indeed include tikis and thatch, but that seems to be the end of the tiki bar atmosphere. Otherwise it looks kind of divey. Unique feature: many reviews included references to how great the shuffleboard is.
   
   
2. Ohana. This one is also located in Belltown - however I would love to go here. The pictures on Yelp give the impression that the tiki atmosphere is through and through. And the food looks very authentic. I think "Hungry J." said it best in his review, 'The decorations are of the Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii variety...' The true definition of kitsch!
   
   
3. Hula Hula. This one's in the Queen Anne area. None of the reviewers complained about parking, as they did in the two Belltown selections. Most everyone raved about the karaoke. Which is good, because based on the pictures, that's the only thing it had going for it. Assume McDonalds was trying to make a tiki bar and you'd come close to the atmosphere.
   
   
4. A Very Taki Tiki Bar. Shoot north to Edmonds for a small, but well-liked establishment. The photos indicate am "Oriental Express" style of decor - not quite as bad as Hula Hula, but with a name like this one, you've set the bar pretty high. They do serve Spam - which gives a certain authenticity to the menu. A common complaint was that the sports tv was very loud. "Quirky" seemed to be the attitude of the reviews.
   
5. There isn't a 5th. That's it. That's as close as I could come - 4 bars. Really people? Los Angeles has over 174, San Francisco has nearly 100. We lost our only Trader Vic's from Lincoln Center (now that was a classy joint). Well, I guess that makes the next part really easy.

Some of you (assuming anyone is actually reading this) may have been thinking to yourself, "Self, don't you think this guy's being kind of a jerk? I mean he's never even been to any of these places and he's critiquing them based on other people's reviews." To which I would respond, "mind your own business," but then would reluctantly agree that it lacks a certain integrity. So... here's what I'm going to do. Over the next month (or so), I'm going to visit each of the 5, excuse me, 4 tiki bar establishments that we have been blessed with. After each one, I will write a review of my experience.

Meanwhile, since bar-hopping is a sad and lonely business, if anyone is willing to go with me on my big adventure, I would enjoy the company. (See, I feel totally confident in making this invite because the only people who read this blog are my close friends and family whom I can berate into reading it. Really, I have the stats to prove it.) You know how to reach me.

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Since the offerings in your area may be as sparse as they are in mine, I have put together a few things you might need to create your own tiki bar. Have fun. Aloha.

Tiki Bar Supplies